3 o'clock in the Morning Prayer

Search me O God and know my heart,
for the dirty monster's sly.
Test me and know my anxious thoughts,
for the rabid black dog hides.
See if there is any offensive thing within me,
for the heavy shadow lies.
And lead me in your way everlasting,
if it's just for one night.
Amen

Lament for Icarus

Let the piper play in the street, let him wail, let the lament sing.
I have nothing to bemoan,
The train left and I'm still here.
I lament for I have nothing to lament!

All is laid bare, ripe and full, acres of choice,
I choose not for I have too much to choose.

Entertained, enhanced and eschewed. So I change channel after channel after channel. Applause, links, products, credits, actors, awards, skin, tears, speeches, applause.

The sin of lonliness, can't tell anyone or they'll lock you away, after all you've got the TV, DVD, Surround sound, dolby 5.1 Twenty-First century lifestyle! How dare you be lonely.

Emptiness the socially transmitted disease.
Should've used protection.
Went to the clinic and stood in-line, they gave me bread and wine, just a crumb and a sip to keep me hungry till next time.

Iniquities for Oxbridge, sin for me.
Pray in the chapel, practice sin at home.
The preacher man tells me for half-an-hour to not be ashamed.
I am ashamed that I am not ashamed.

So I should, but I do not.
I sin, therefore I am.
Where is the rain for tonight I need to fly.

Saturday 10th Feb.

It went like this, the day grew darker as the sun forgot to rise. Grey it began & black it became. Of course it rained, how else do these things get written? But I like the rain, it cling-films the lonley days, keeps the silence at bay and lets me drift. When else do I think? Let's be honest, the reason I watch so much TV comedy is so that the laughing hides the silence & the thinking.

[I think I may have been suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder when I wrote this last month]

"Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?"

Rabbi Simlai said, "Six hundred and thirteen commandments were given to Moses, 365 negative commandments, answering to the number of the days ofthe year, 248 positive commandments, answering to the number of a man's members.

Then David came and reduced them to eleven [Psalm 15].
LORD, who may dwell in your sanctuary? Who may live on your holy hill? He whose walk is blameless and who does what is righteous, who speaks the truth from his heart and has no slander on his tongue, who does his neighbor no wrong and casts no slur on his fellowman, who despises a vile man but honors those who fear the LORD, who keeps his oath even when it hurts, who lends his money without usury and does not accept a bribe against the innocent. He who does these things will never be shaken.

Then came Isaiah, and reduced them to six [Isaiah 33:15-16].
He who walks righteously and speaks what is right, who rejects gain from extortion and keeps his hand from accepting bribes, who stops his ears against plots of murder and shuts his eyes against contemplating evil- this is the man who will dwell on the heights, whose refuge will be the mountain fortress. His bread will be supplied, and water will not fail him.

Then came Micah, and reduced them to three [Micah 6:8].
He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.

Then Isaiah came again, and reduced them to two, [Isaiah 56:1]
This is what the LORD says: "Maintain justice and do what is right, for my salvation is close at hand and my righteousness will soon be revealed.”

Then came Amos, and reduced them to one, [Amos 5:4]
This is what the LORD says to the house of Israel: "Seek me and live;

Or one may say, then came Habakkuk , and reduced them to one, [Habakkuk 2:4]
"See, he is puffed up; his desires are not upright—but the righteous will live by his faith' [Talmud, Makkot 23b-24a]

Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."
[New testament, Matthew 22:34-40]

Take it to the Max

Ok, this is really random, Deborah brought me a gift of salty snacks back from her recent trip to Bosnia.

Click on the image and look at the top right hand logo and see what these Bosnian Chicken flavoured crisps offer. Weird!

I am hungry

I came across this piece by Father Martin Morgan. Apparently he delivered it at a Brighton Labour Party Conference church service that he was presiding over. Take it as you want.


I am hungry
And you pray for me
I am sleeping rough
And you pity me
I have left home and parents
And you wonder whose fault it is
I am young and sell my body in order to eat
And you hide in your morality
I am naked
And my nakedness makes you uncomfortable
I am in prison
And you are glad that you are out of harm
I am a single parent
And you tell me what a drain on resources I am
I am 'black'
And you feel you have to be nice to me
I am gay
And you secretly despise me
I am old and forgetful
And you know what's best for me

You throw money at my problem
But I am still here
And so is the problem

But most of all day-by-day and week-by-week
You pray for me

Prayer is supposed to change us
So why have you not changed?
Because when you do
Then so will all of us
And you and I will see the world
Through God coloured spectacles

Confessions of an Ordinand

Here's something I wrote for the Stukely Parish Magazine:

Firstly you might be wondering what an Ordinand is? Put simply it's a person being ordained to be a priest in the Church of England. Put more fully, it's a mix of being a theological student, where I go to lectures, and spend a lot of time reading, well, mainly getting books and intending to read them! I also expend hours pondering and discussing life's big questions like 'Who is God?' Why are we here?' and 'What's for lunch?' During term time I study in Cambridge at Ridley Hall, commonly known as the vicar factory. As I'm over thirty years old, I'm supposed to have more life experience and wisdom, so they allow me to take two years to qualify rather than the usual three. During this period, before they let me loose on some poor unsuspecting parish, I'm supposed to crystallise my sense of what it is to be an 'Anglican Church leader'. I'm still only part way through the training so I still feel far off from that moment, I know the day is coming when people will inevitably just see my dog collar and not the blundering student underneath it.

In between musing and stroking my non-existent beard at college, the second part of my training is acting as an apprentice vicar. In practice this means following Rev. Nick Devenish around, watching what he does and doing the things he asks me to do. This involves; preaching; praying; leading a Sunday service; but it also entails going into local schools; helping to run an 'Alpha' course where people come along and are able to ask open questions about the Christian faith; and participating in the monthly 'Thursdays@7', held at All Saints Huntingdon on the first Thursday of the month, which is a place of spiritual reflection, life exploration and space for growing a sense of community over a good meal.

With the theoretical aspects covered at Ridley and the practical application given around Huntingdon, I'm hopefully getting a more rounded understanding of what it means to be an Anglican vicar in the 21st century. I'm also starting to realise a few things about you out there. It's amazing how people treat me differently when I put on the cassock and surplice (the white large-sleeved tunic that makes me look vaguely like a Christmas fairy). When I wear them it's like I become the queen, people line up to shake my hand as they're leaving church and our conversations are full of pleasantries, but we don't say much.

It's also interesting going out to the villages, as I was brought up as a 'townie'. Villagers seem to have a connection with the old stone tower building, with its bells and gargoyles, at the edge of the village, but hardly anyone thinks about what might or might not be going on in there. It's strange, if the church was a local shop and it stocked nothing that people really wanted, nobody would frequent it. To avoid bankruptcy it would have to find out what its customers wanted and how to market it to them. But, for some reason, because it's a church we feel it's important that it's there, why is that? Does it represent a bygone era that we look back on but don’t know how to recapture it? Is it just a piece of historical architecture that shapes the village sky-line? Or could it be a symbol of the ‘soul’ of the village? Whatever your view there’s a challenge to all of us. For those of us who find ourselves sat in those ancient buildings on a Sunday, we must ask ourselves ‘are we just running a club for ourselves that baffles brave visitors with it’s practices and formulas?’ And for those of us who like the idea of a local church, but would only be seen dead in it, we need to discover this beautiful ‘soul’ in our midst, before it’s too late.